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For the purpose of this post, I wish it were factual that I carried around a cherished family heirloom, such as a vintage watch, that caresses my body and reminds me of a loved one looking down from Heaven.  But I’m not the sentimental type with things of that nature.  One of my most meaningful commodities is my iMac, which, instead of being a bitchy little computer with temper tantrums, has proven to be a reliable matriarch of sorts amongst the insanities I bestow up her on a daily basis.  Like most familial relationships, we will part ways when it’s time for me to invest in another model.  But she’ll be there guiding another family member, probably a younger cousin in need of a computer.  Note to self: Purge everything on this iMac before sending it to that cousin, to avoid any misunderstandings, guilt or awkward explanations!

The most important thing to me is my irreverent advice column and most recently, the radio segments on SiriusXM which evolved from these columns.  While others never see the private side of my performative self and the struggle to become famous for actually doing something to become famous, my iMac bears witness to it all; the hard work, self pats-on-the back, self doubt and she is the only “person” to bear witness to what it takes to construct, deconstruct and remain respected when talking about filth.

I value this computer for the reason that I need it in order to deliver the goods.  I’m never inspired when using other gadgets to write.  A laptop or smart phone would never work.  I need the discipline of writing in the same place with welcomed distractions from things such as phone calls from friends about their hook-up gone wrong or my neighbor knocking on my door to complain about the “whore on the second floor.”  Using public computers or mobile devices would lend itself to a different kind of distraction; the uninvited peeping toms sitting behind or next to me, judging my character based on the filth their eyes consume.  I’ve often been criticized by my friends, usually the younger ones, who say I’m neurotic for “booking” time to use my home computer.  They suggest that I should be more carefree,  flexible or mobile, and write my columns on the go.  In some ways their views are with merit, but then again, my iMac knows me better than they do …

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